The other day I received a message on my Facebook page from a person who asked if I would tell her more about myself. I wasn’t really sure what she wanted to know, and then it occurred to me that maybe the About page “bio” on my blog is somewhat vague? I came across a post from my previous blog that I’d written back in 2016 and thought it might be a good idea to share parts of it here for anyone who may be interested. I titled it “Confusing Times” and it was written on June 1, 2016, exactly six years ago today:
Confusing Times
June 1, 2016 By Margo
When I created The Rosary Trail blog in June of 2010 I was in an entirely different place with my faith. I had just been through a very difficult time with situations in my life that prompted me to take a look at myself and where I stood as a Catholic, and I realized that for a long time I had been slacking off. I could elaborate and give all kinds of examples as to how I strayed and what I was doing at that time and what brought me back to the faith, etc. but that really isn’t the point of this. In those days things were different. I mean, the world was different. Perhaps there were signs and indications of very confusing and troubling times ahead, but I sure wasn’t aware of any. I may have been too bogged down with my own personal issues to notice what the rest of the world was doing, and it wasn’t until 2012 or so that I started feeling an uneasiness creeping into my life. Just kind of the sense that things were in a state of chaos and nothing felt balanced.
So here we are in 2016. When I look back at my earlier blog posts I see a difference in the way I wrote then and the things I want to write now. My mother was always the person I turned to for advice, guidance, or just to be a listening ear. I can’t tell you how many times she stopped me from sharing a certain video on here or a post from another blogger or even just a viewpoint that I wanted to express that she suggested would be best kept to myself. We were very close, and now that she’s no longer with me, I can only hope that you will be there to fill the void in whatever small way you are able. I guess what I’m trying to say is—I am very concerned about the state of our country and this world, and I have taken to listening to certain Catholic YouTube channels for enlightenment and some sense of direction. I have never felt so confused as I do now, and because my mom isn’t here to either reassure, offer prayers, or give advice, I feel as if I’m flapping in the wind in trying to discern what the heck is going on.
I have been praying for the gift of discernment from the Holy Spirit ever since I was around 14, when I used to read the Book of Wisdom and ask God to help me acquire the graces related to the gift of wisdom. I slacked off for a while in my mid 20s through my early 40s, and now that I am where I think I need to be, I’m feeling a restlessness that I need to do so much more—that I need to share my thoughts and frustrations regarding what is taking place in the Catholic Church, in our country, and in countries all around the world. I feel something strange and perhaps adverse is heading our way, but to even type these words makes me feel like one of those loony crazy conspiracy theorists who are always waiting for disaster to strike. I usually see the glass as half full, but for some reason these days there is an unease within my soul that I cannot explain. Does anyone else feel the same way?
I do not have all the answers, and in fact, I have less answers now than when I thought I knew everything several years ago. It seems that the more I strive to be a good Christian, the less I know about the Catholic faith. Several years ago I thought I knew everything. I wasn’t attending Mass, hadn’t been to Confession in years, was living in a constant state of sin, etc. but still—I knew it all. Now I feel that I am where I need to be in my faith, but I have so much further to go, and unless I share it with others, it is pointless to even assume I’m anywhere. Does that make sense?
Change
Six years ago feels like an eternity to me. And yet in a way it’s as if it were just yesterday. A lot has changed since then—for me, for this country, and for the world in general. I think what I’m trying to do by sharing parts of that old blog post with you is to let you know (and remind myself) that I learn as I go along. I think we all do. When that Facebook subscriber asked if I would tell her about myself, I felt that I may end up disappointing her if I were to let her know how I got to where I am. It isn’t a terribly pretty picture. There had been so many mistakes, setbacks, false starts, and roadblocks that I had to get past in order to see clearly what I felt God was calling me to do. I’d always had a strong love of the Blessed Mother, but it wasn’t until a tragedy struck in 2008 that I, desperate for help, picked up the Rosary and started praying. And not long after that I discovered the good St. Louis De Montfort. I was so drawn to his love of Mary and the way in which he presented her to the world.
Other than what’s on my About page and a brief mention of it in this previous post, I haven’t written about the spiritual ordeal I encountered once I turned my life around and sought the Blessed Mother’s help. I do believe it’s important to share that at some point, because if nothing else, it may strike a chord with someone else who also had a similar experience. Many faithful Christians I know today didn’t start out that way. In fact, most of them had been away from their faith at one time, some living in a wretched state of sin, and then somehow, by the grace of God, they found their way back. I don’t think that’s too uncommon. What may be less common is the demonic harassment that can accompany that transition from darkness to light. I’ve noticed that whenever a profound positive change is occurring, mostly on a spiritual level, the devil wreaks havoc on my life. I’m curious if anyone out there has a story to share regarding this type of thing? If so, I would really love to hear from you either in a comment below or in a private message.
Change is never easy, but if it’s positive change and for the glory of God, it should be something to embrace, not fear. Discernment regarding that change and the way in which to react to it is crucial in staying on the right path—a path that is solely directed by the Holy Spirit and no one or nothing else. We are living through some very confusing and challenging times, but through all the chaos can emerge a brand new awakening. We can be the light for the world, and we can be the ones to help guide the lost sheep.
1 thought on “Discernment”
Your wisdom shines through your writing here.